Have you ever felt so completely physically and emotionally exhausted that you just can’t? Like you can’t do for one more person, heck you can’t even do for yourself and yet you push through anyway. And for what? Because you feel like you have to or are worried what people might think? And so you push “it” deep down to deal with later. Whatever that “it” may happen to be. And you continue this cycle until you just can’t anything. It’s like that wind up toy that runs into a wall and keeps moving but doesn’t go anywhere, doesn’t change direction, it just keeps going forward into that wall until you reposition it or the batteries run out. Well today my batteries ran out. Everything came to a screeching halt and I had a decision to make. Do I pretend like everything is ok or do I take time for me. I would like to say I made a good choice but today I think my body chose for me. Because the truth is I had a total meltdown. And how did I allow it to get this far? You see, I’m really good with being careful about what I put in and on my body but it’s this other stuff I fail miserably at. I have been given the tools to manage stress, to cope, to deal with this stupid illness and I ignored EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Instead of turning to those whom I love and who love me, I internalized everything. I worried too much about what others might think. And so, rather than choosing to work through things, my body chose for me. And when you allow that to happen, your body acts out. Today I’m in a great deal of physical pain and have a mouth full of thrush. And I just can’t today. I can’t “anything.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t be me. It’s important to pay attention to what we eat, what we use in our homes, what we put in our bodies… but it’s equally important to manage our stress levels and find ways to cope. I guess that’s all part of the journey. So right now, rather than beating myself up for today, I’m writing this blog. Again hoping some good comes out of all of this. And then I’m going to go for a run and then maybe clean out the pantry or a closet. Something constructive.
And to quote one of my favorite characters, “Tomorrow is another day.” And rather than be like Scarlett and be in denial and put things off until tomorrow I’m going to forgive myself and move forward and start over tomorrow. I am human and it’s ok.