I just started week three of my prednisone taper. And, I’m doing ok. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is just going to suck for a while but it’s temporary. My husband tells me this is actually a positive thing and, after I stopped being irritated with the comment, I realized he’s right. It means I’m healing. I’m strong. I’m winning. And yet…
I was talking to a dear friend the other day about life. About scary family news and the inability I still have to pray. That I’m still angry at God. And she said to me that maybe what I’m really angry at is the fact that I’m NOT in charge. And she was 100% right! You see, I’m the type of person who is always in control. Or at least I sure try to be.
I’m a planner. My family lovingly calls me bossy. Because I am. I’m a take charge kind of girl who likes everything planned out. I like knowing what to expect, how it’s going to get done and that it will, in fact, get done. And right now I’m so totally not in control of things – both my health and others’ – that I hate it. Sure, I can control what I eat and how and when I exercise and by doing so, I’m controlling my health to a point. But anything beyond that, especially right now, is not in my hands. I feel so out of sorts and helpless that it is making me crazy and I don’t like that there is yet one more curveball to deal with when I’m still trying to cope with everything else. And I wonder… maybe what she said was exactly what I needed to hear. I know God has been sending me reminders He is here, to lean on Him. And each reminder has been a more deliberate, harder smack upside my head. (Have I mentioned I’m not a quick learner?) Maybe my friend is right and I’m not mad at Him but at the circumstances. Maybe this was the “aha” moment I needed. The sign I’ve been looking for. Begging for. I also learned this weekend it’s ok to be angry at God. To question Him. That it’s normal and I’m not a bad person for doing so. Which is good because on top of the anger was this huge load of guilt for feeling as I did. HUGE! No wonder my body is in chaos right now.
So back to my “aha” moment. Maybe the lesson He’s been trying to teach me is that there really IS a reason for everything (you know… that thing people always say to you. That there is a reason to this. That thing people say that I say never, ever to say to someone else). Maybe there really is a purpose to our suffering. Perhaps, for me, it was to realize I’m really not in control. Ever. That while it’s still my job to help myself, He is calling the shots. Maybe it’s time to let go of the anger. Maybe it’s ok that I feel helpless. To let Him carry me for a bit. That by doing so I’m not weak or giving up. That the world won’t end if I’m not running every aspect of my life. Because I can’t. None of us can. And that’s ok.